Paper Cuts

"Busy Bee 8 by Noel Abelardo"
Looking back at all my previous relationships always bring a little nostalgia to me. It’s like opening a box of trinkets you saved from years back and every little thing on that box brings back memories. But then after looking at so many pieces you seem to forget how some of them got there in the first place. You wonder why you even kept it and what sentimental value it had. Simply put, there are some things or some people that YOU just forget and others that no matter how hard you try, will linger forever in your mind.

And then you ponder on things. Trying to recall every little bit of information. A surge of happy memories come pouring in and then only after a few moments, you remember why you broke up. You back track a bit and try to scrutinize every minute detail of the relationship trying as hard as you can to remember what the heck went wrong. And then, BAM! You get hit by a BUS! (Kidding!) Similarly though, it’s that same impact when you realize that regardless of how careful you were in making the relationship work, there are some things that’s just not meant to be…. FATE as they aptly call it.

I’ve been blogging mostly about love and relationships, break-ups and heartaches and stories of a happy ever after just because it’s the topic I know best. Not saying I’m an expert but I only wish to share my thoughts on the matter most of the time. I did after all, receive a few messages from other readers saying that to a certain level they could relate. I guess eventhough, we fall in and out of love with different people the feeling is always still the same.

My friend said breaking up with someone is the ugliest feeling in the world. It’s when you feel you’ve been abandoned and left to wallow in your misery. It’s like your heart has been ripped right out from your chest and you can’t breathe. It’s as if you’ve been kicked in the stomach and you can’t stand up. It’s like paper cuts, even the smallest one hurts like hell. It just SUCKS! And there are two things you could do about it, succumb to the feeling or learn and move on.

I realized that in my 18 months of singlehood I gained experience---experience that taught me in some level to be fearful to get my heart broken again. What was once magical suddenly turns into a fear that you’re again giving the power for someone to break you into a million pieces. What was once spontaneity turns into paranoia that you are allowing yourself to be vulnerable. And while I really do miss being in a relationship and even to a certain extent believe that I’m ready, I am (in all honesty) scared.

I am scared that the person I’m looking for no longer exists. And the harder you look the more elusive it gets. And when you don’t look, it simply passes you by.


Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo